Nothing was going my way

Productivness: it is the thing we strive to do each day, wither we achieve it is another matter altogether.
So when I woke up this morning I want to make today a productive day and made all the arrangements to make it so. It felt good. Yet just as soon as I started on my first project of the days things started to go spectacular wrong. The battery died.

Halfway though the first filming project of the day and my camera battery dies. "No worry I have two more" i thought, oh how wrong was I. First it take a good 5 minutes to remove the camera from the tripod, 5 seconds to replace the battery, 7 minute to get the camera back on the tripod and an instant for me to realise that is battery is dead too. Darn it. This was turning into a exercise routine.

And repeat...

After checking battery and quickly crying of "hallelujah" I begin to put it back onto the tripod.

And 3.2.1 POP!

I broke the tripod.

Now I want to cry into a tub of Ben and Jerry's

But panic not. I always have a spare. The problem is it a lot shorter, but nothing was going to stop me from achieving what I had set out to do. Solution: balance said tripod on top of boxes and book.

Yeah! Now I can film.

Lighting broken

"Oh for goodness sake"

Never mind Ben and Jerry's. Give me Vodka!

"Don't stop Believing" or "Let it Go"

It would be a lie to say that I don't have dreams, goals for my future, a plan.Yet I am embarrassed by it, i hid it, i even deny it to ever be anything more than a girls dream fading to memory. Even to those so close to me, people who I have a bond with so strong that nothing can brake it.

I remember my first ever dream, to be a mermaid. Unrealistic, true, but I was 3 years old at the time, and although I am no longer 3, if someone said to me that they could make me a mermaid, I would scream with joy.

I have always been an unrealistic dreamer and I think that is my problem. I was a 90s Disney child and believed that dreams "really do come true" but never noticed that most Disney characters had to fight for they happiness. Sound stupid, (I am aware) but I guess that one day everything would just fall into place and would get everything I every dream.

How wrong am I?

I told you I was unrealistic.

Now I am older and a little wiser I now what I want to do, and I know how hard I will have to work to get anywhere with it, but I still hid behind this fear that if I tell anyone about my passions or dreams, that they will laugh at me, or tell me I am being ridiculous, or do that every so annoying hush voiced of "oh really, sounds interesting" head tilted to one side, a looked of confused sympathy and judgement spread across their face.

It is easy to say one thing, but hard to believe in it.

I think I need to sing out at the top of my lungs "Don't stop Believing" or "Let it Go"

|\What do you think?

I wonder

I think we all reach a point where we wonder what could have been if things were different.

If I was a different person, what would my life be like?

Would I still be scared of the silly little things? Would I have had the confidence to pursue my dreams and goals. Would I be skinny or blonde or rich. So many what if's, but there is only one that I ask myself now.

What if I change the way my life is?

I put off doing so many things because I am scared or worried or embarrassed and very self-conscious. I am at a age now where I find that my life is going through a downward spiral and I feel powerless to stop it. More so I don't know how to stop it.

It feels like my dreams are out of my reach. but I am the only one who is pulling myself away from them. Even if I get close to them I start to run scared, afraid to even peek around the corner at the sunshine and embrace the warmth.

I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to runaway and hid anymore, lock myself away and say that tomorrow will be a better day, that starting Monday things will change, because it won't. Saying it is meaningless, they are just empty words of a girl to scared to experience the world, to embrace life.

I don't know where to start. Do I dip my feet into the pool or dive in head first?
I am only sure of one thing. That my life needs to start.

Be a little more unplanned.

So, am sitting in my room, casual making my way through a short stack of Hobnobs biccys, watching old Tv shows on netflix, when it stroke me.

That this was going to be the highlight of my day!

Which is rather sad, I shall admit, yet right now the only thing that could top this night for me would be a rather bubbly Lush bath and face mask to match.

Yes I am a rebel.

But seriously, what has happened?

There was a time when life was clubbing with my friends, or pulling all nighters, being young and free and completely silly just for fun. When did life became serious and organized. Everything planned out and predictable. When something out of the norm turns up it become a little overwhelming, we didn't plan this, we aren't sure what to expect or how to react.

I am oddly organized (despite the chaos around me) I can't go anywhere without planning every little detail, It can be handy to be completely in the know, but God is it more fun to just wing it and find yourself emerged in a different place, a different time, a different feeling all together. The best time I have seem to arrive from nowhere, unplanned, unexpected and wonderful.

I wish I could be more like that, a little more unplanned.

Morning!

 It is half past four in the morning and I am wide awake.

"Why?" you may ask.

Because my body hates me.

I have been staring up at the ceiling (which is hard to do in the dark) for the last hour just singing a little song in my head.

The song goes: DumDeDumDeDeDeDum Oh please go back to SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

My Brain never shuts down. If I have something on my mine or there is something that I need to do the next day, my brain will fixate on that thing until I get up and sort it. Drives me mad.

 "And what" you may wonder is so stressful about the stuff I need to do today that has awaken me early from my slumbers?

Absolutely nothing.

I have the day off work, so today is Chores Day. That's right my brain has woken me up to do my laundry and go food shopping.

Thank's Brain. Where would I be without you.

Hope you are having a better morning than me

Diet!

I hate the word

and yet

I am obsessed.

I know all the rules, every trick, every turn and yet here I am, still overweight, still miserable about it, and still DIETING! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Yet I know I am not the only one out there who feels like this, nor am I the only one struggling and crying and, dare I say hating it.

I don't want to eat Lettuce leafs for the rest of my life, I will end up looking like a rabbit and I just can't rock that look.  

Stop underestimate yourself.

Haven’t we all been told that we can achieve anything if we put our minds to it, that the world is our oyster, the sky’s the limit. Yet somehow I find myself thinking that it is not. What if this is as good as it gets? What if this is all we can expect from our short time upon the earth. Our hope, dreams, goals for the future, nothing more than empty, delusional thoughts. What if this is it?

As a hopeless dreamer I have big and bright plans for my future, yet as each day forms into another month I find that nothing changes. I feel like I squander my youth because I was never willing to take the risk, I was complete afraid of changes. I would scare myself into believing I wasn’t good enough or never be anything more than what I had become. People always talk about following your dreams and that nothing is impossible, but it can be. I feel it can be. I awake everyday hating the fact that I am like this, hating myself for being stuck. By midday I would have come up with a plan of action on how I can change my life around, on how I can final be freed from iron barred cage. When final I lay my head down to sleep I feel good, feel positive as if I can take on the world and awake like a phoenix’s from the ashes. When my eyes close however, I begin to hate myself again, because I know it would never be true.

Lack of confidence in yourself is easily done, when you have no confidence to start with. Always second guessing every move. Does this dress look good on me, will my friends hate it, will they talk about it when I am not in the room, what we people walking by think, I can already guess what they are saying about me. The voice in my head drive me insane and seem to never stop they endless torture, it is as if I have bullies in my head or something.

Then there is guilt. So much guilt. I feel like slapping myself all the time for being so stupid with my thought. I am so lucky, lucky that I now and more than I am grateful for. I live in a house, in a pretty safe country, I have a job, I can buy food, clothes, anything really. I go on trips, shopping trips with my friend, nights out with the girls, and laugh over a few cocktails at the trendy bar and pay way too much on dinner. All of it taking for granted because we don’t know any different.  The earth cries every day for the lives that it loses each day, people die every day, right now, this very second someone will die. Someone will feel the bitter sting of that death for days, months, years to come. I feel that loss weighing down my heart, it makes me want to cry right now to think about it. All the hurt and pain and suffering in the world and yet some people think they are having a bad day when they can’t get a good Wi-Fi signal. We live in a screwed up world.   

Beauty Nightmare!

Do you ever walk into a shop and get submerged by all the different array of products and brands on offer these days?

I do.

I consider myself a novice when it comes to things like make up or skin care or hair care. I was about 18 years old when I first wore make up. I went on a night out with my collage friends and they put make up on me.

18. Years. Old. I kid you not.

I was never that interested really. Most girls at school wore make up, (even some of the boys were sports a touch of eyeliner) But to me they always look silly with their orange faces, bright eye shadow, and over-the-top blusher. It wasn’t their fault, they were kids (sort of) and were still learning. I wasn’t a very confident person when I was young, I didn’t see myself as pretty or stylish and didn’t see the point of trying to improve my…ugliness shall we say.

Years have passed since then and (with a lot of help from my friends) I am starting to actually care about how I look and look after myself better.

But sometime it can be really daunting.

There is just too much choice out there and some of the stuff out there I have no idea what it is for.

So today I went out into the world and I brought myself some new thing. Now when I say “some” I really mean a lot. Half-price sale, say no more.

One of the things I brought today was quite unusually. It was Tea Tree BB Cream. Tea Tree oil is really good for the skin, it works wonders on troublesome spots as it is an antibacterial antiseptic and has soothing properties(apparently). It also has Witch Hazel in it. Don’t know my about Witch Hazel if I’m honest, but people rave about the stuff. These are things you tend to find in face washes, but then they put it all together with a BB Cream. Not sure what a BB Cream is. Is it a face moisturiser with foundation in it? Not sure.

Any who’s I will be giving it ago and see will report back to you.