Start doing something for yourself

It feel very easy to get swept along by the current of the new internet world. The simplicity of turning a hobby into a functioning career, whether it is uploading a video on youtube, photographing a breathtaking picture or even posting on a blog. When you are young you see this as your ticket into a better life, the life you want. You see friendships being made and communities being built. You see a world of opportunity all at the click of a computer mouse. It is exciting to believe that you could live like some of these people.

The disappointment come in swiftly and brutally and leaves you feeling incredibly empty inside. 

When it feels like you have poured your heart and soul into something only to feel rejected when no-one is interested. No-one has read that post. No-one has view that video. Not one commented, not one has like. Nothing. Let me tell you it is the worse feeling in the world. 

However we grow and as we do we begin to reflect on our past errors. I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't think it though. I didn't advertise my blog or make people aware of it existence, how is anyone going to read it if they don't know about it.

It is then that you find yourself asking the question.

Why am I doing this?

When I started Blogging I wasn't writing for me, I was writing what I thought would make my blog popular and in the end it broke me. I deleted everything that I had written, closed down the account and retreated back into a dark corner. 

About 3 months ago I decide to try again, but this time on my terms. I need a change. My day-to-day activities were quickly becoming  monotonous and it was making me feel sad and depressed. I worked hard at making everyone around me feel happy and loved, but I was feeling quite shut out. I decided enough was enough. I am only going to get one chance at this life, so I better start living it.

That was when I starting writing my online journal. It was for me. My live, my thoughts. A place where I could write all the greatest moments of my day or upload those pictures from my last trip, and if no-one see's, I don't mind anymore.

This is still new to me, my blog is my baby and it will take time to nurture it and watch it grow. I want to look back in 10 years time, read this post and smile at all the things I have achieved doing thing my way.  

Nothing was going my way

Productivness: it is the thing we strive to do each day, wither we achieve it is another matter altogether.
So when I woke up this morning I want to make today a productive day and made all the arrangements to make it so. It felt good. Yet just as soon as I started on my first project of the days things started to go spectacular wrong. The battery died.

Halfway though the first filming project of the day and my camera battery dies. "No worry I have two more" i thought, oh how wrong was I. First it take a good 5 minutes to remove the camera from the tripod, 5 seconds to replace the battery, 7 minute to get the camera back on the tripod and an instant for me to realise that is battery is dead too. Darn it. This was turning into a exercise routine.

And repeat...

After checking battery and quickly crying of "hallelujah" I begin to put it back onto the tripod.

And 3.2.1 POP!

I broke the tripod.

Now I want to cry into a tub of Ben and Jerry's

But panic not. I always have a spare. The problem is it a lot shorter, but nothing was going to stop me from achieving what I had set out to do. Solution: balance said tripod on top of boxes and book.

Yeah! Now I can film.

Lighting broken

"Oh for goodness sake"

Never mind Ben and Jerry's. Give me Vodka!

"Don't stop Believing" or "Let it Go"

It would be a lie to say that I don't have dreams, goals for my future, a plan.Yet I am embarrassed by it, i hid it, i even deny it to ever be anything more than a girls dream fading to memory. Even to those so close to me, people who I have a bond with so strong that nothing can brake it.

I remember my first ever dream, to be a mermaid. Unrealistic, true, but I was 3 years old at the time, and although I am no longer 3, if someone said to me that they could make me a mermaid, I would scream with joy.

I have always been an unrealistic dreamer and I think that is my problem. I was a 90s Disney child and believed that dreams "really do come true" but never noticed that most Disney characters had to fight for they happiness. Sound stupid, (I am aware) but I guess that one day everything would just fall into place and would get everything I every dream.

How wrong am I?

I told you I was unrealistic.

Now I am older and a little wiser I now what I want to do, and I know how hard I will have to work to get anywhere with it, but I still hid behind this fear that if I tell anyone about my passions or dreams, that they will laugh at me, or tell me I am being ridiculous, or do that every so annoying hush voiced of "oh really, sounds interesting" head tilted to one side, a looked of confused sympathy and judgement spread across their face.

It is easy to say one thing, but hard to believe in it.

I think I need to sing out at the top of my lungs "Don't stop Believing" or "Let it Go"

|\What do you think?

I wonder

I think we all reach a point where we wonder what could have been if things were different.

If I was a different person, what would my life be like?

Would I still be scared of the silly little things? Would I have had the confidence to pursue my dreams and goals. Would I be skinny or blonde or rich. So many what if's, but there is only one that I ask myself now.

What if I change the way my life is?

I put off doing so many things because I am scared or worried or embarrassed and very self-conscious. I am at a age now where I find that my life is going through a downward spiral and I feel powerless to stop it. More so I don't know how to stop it.

It feels like my dreams are out of my reach. but I am the only one who is pulling myself away from them. Even if I get close to them I start to run scared, afraid to even peek around the corner at the sunshine and embrace the warmth.

I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to runaway and hid anymore, lock myself away and say that tomorrow will be a better day, that starting Monday things will change, because it won't. Saying it is meaningless, they are just empty words of a girl to scared to experience the world, to embrace life.

I don't know where to start. Do I dip my feet into the pool or dive in head first?
I am only sure of one thing. That my life needs to start.

Be a little more unplanned.

So, am sitting in my room, casual making my way through a short stack of Hobnobs biccys, watching old Tv shows on netflix, when it stroke me.

That this was going to be the highlight of my day!

Which is rather sad, I shall admit, yet right now the only thing that could top this night for me would be a rather bubbly Lush bath and face mask to match.

Yes I am a rebel.

But seriously, what has happened?

There was a time when life was clubbing with my friends, or pulling all nighters, being young and free and completely silly just for fun. When did life became serious and organized. Everything planned out and predictable. When something out of the norm turns up it become a little overwhelming, we didn't plan this, we aren't sure what to expect or how to react.

I am oddly organized (despite the chaos around me) I can't go anywhere without planning every little detail, It can be handy to be completely in the know, but God is it more fun to just wing it and find yourself emerged in a different place, a different time, a different feeling all together. The best time I have seem to arrive from nowhere, unplanned, unexpected and wonderful.

I wish I could be more like that, a little more unplanned.

Morning!

 It is half past four in the morning and I am wide awake.

"Why?" you may ask.

Because my body hates me.

I have been staring up at the ceiling (which is hard to do in the dark) for the last hour just singing a little song in my head.

The song goes: DumDeDumDeDeDeDum Oh please go back to SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

My Brain never shuts down. If I have something on my mine or there is something that I need to do the next day, my brain will fixate on that thing until I get up and sort it. Drives me mad.

 "And what" you may wonder is so stressful about the stuff I need to do today that has awaken me early from my slumbers?

Absolutely nothing.

I have the day off work, so today is Chores Day. That's right my brain has woken me up to do my laundry and go food shopping.

Thank's Brain. Where would I be without you.

Hope you are having a better morning than me

Diet!

I hate the word

and yet

I am obsessed.

I know all the rules, every trick, every turn and yet here I am, still overweight, still miserable about it, and still DIETING! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Yet I know I am not the only one out there who feels like this, nor am I the only one struggling and crying and, dare I say hating it.

I don't want to eat Lettuce leafs for the rest of my life, I will end up looking like a rabbit and I just can't rock that look.